Dear Ms. Bahar,
I find it difficult to give feedback to a very confident employee about his/her performance. After all, he/she has made positive contributions to the business and I don't want to have a negative impact or discourage him/her with what I have to say.
But whenever I give him feedback, he always understands it in a different way. When I ask him what he could do better in performance meetings, he never says anything in response. Because of this disconnect, she thinks that I don't value her as an employee, but this is NOT the case! We just need to bridge the gap between our perspectives! Can you give me an opinion on the matter?
Yours sincerely,
Average Performance Addressee
Dear Average Performance Correspondent,
Your problem is the behavior that has become a "pattern". I understand from your letter that what frustrates you most about this employee is not the shortcomings or weaknesses themselves, but the pattern of behavior when discussing these weaknesses. The best step you can take is to create a separate opportunity to discuss the repetitive, stereotypical behavior. But don't confuse this conversation with other performance feedback. Let the conversation be only about "how difficult it is for you to have performance discussions with him/her". When describing the behavior pattern, be sure to use only facts. Do not use words of judgment that will inflame the discussion. Mention specific behaviors that support your claim that there is a pattern of behavior.
For example, you can start like this;
When you say this, Pelin may tell you that she feels unappreciated and unworthy when you talk like this. But do not be distracted. Finish what you have started before you address her emotional needs. It is not your job to manage her emotions! That is his job. Your responsibility is to do your best to communicate how much you value her contribution to the work. You must do this in a way that is both persuasive and consistent and proportionate to her actual contribution. However, if she chooses not to hear you, that is her responsibility. Stop managing her emotions. But never abdicate your responsibility to communicate clearly and concisely.
Just stick to this for now . If he triesto focus on his emotional needs , treat thatas part of the behavior pattern. Pelin, another thing that happened when I was trying to resolve these performance issues with you is that in the last 3 performance conversations we had, every time I shared with you opportunities for improvement, you said things like "All you do is point out my mistakes! You ignore how many things I do well!" and things like that. To be honest, I feel like the reason you say these things to me is to cover up my concerns. Whether I value what you do well or not is one thing, whether you can do better than what you are doing now is another. When I raise my concerns, I ask you to focus on them and not raise irrelevant issues.
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Finally, ask for a commitment and agree "Who will do what and when?" Agree on this. For example: "The next time I want to talk about development opportunities, could you please refrain from pointing out other things or asking if I value your strengths?"
If you agree on that, then you can say, "Okay, at our one-on-one meeting at the end of the month, I'm going to give you feedback on whether we've improved on what we talked about. Is that okay with you?"
These are my suggestions... Of course other approaches can be used, but the key here is to stay the course. Prepare well to have the right conversation, cut through the sometimes deliberate and sometimes unintentional attempts to digress. In this way you will stay on the right track for better days. I wish you all the best.
Love Bahar
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