Sometimes we realize that our work or personal relationships have deteriorated so badly that we can no longer breathe. We want to talk, but the relationship is so frayed by what has happened that we need to give it CPR and CPR before we can talk... That's what I'm writing about today. I share with you below a question I received and my answer on how to address the problems we experience in our relationships because of the conversations that don't happen when the problem first arises and the situation recurs.

Dear Ms. Bahar,

I recently participated in your "Critical Accountability" training. During the training, I realized that the issue I need to confront with a person in my life has happened so often that it is no longer about this issue, it is about our relationship! However, the first time it happened, I didn't talk to him/her effectively about the content and the negative effects of the issue. Then it happened over and over again, and I didn't have the right conversations about the recurrence of this behavior in a timely manner. As such, it started to affect our relationship in a very negative way. My question is, if the previous conversations were not timely, how can one effectively confront this person after the issue has started to affect the relationship?

Signature,
Delayed Reckoning

Dear Belated Reckoning,

As you know, in this training, we say that you can revive your broken relationships with CPR(Basic Life Support) . I am not talking about medical CPR, of course, but similarly we recommend CPR for effective communication. Here's the clear spelling of the CPR acronym that we use to identify the issue that you need to address, that you need to focus on, in a critical accountability conversation;

Content/Content, Pattern/Model, Relationship

The basic principle of using CPR is to keep the right issue at the center of your speech in order to make it effective. As I've said many times before, even if you think you're giving the greatest speech ever, if you're talking about the wrong issue, you're not going to get anywhere. So it's important to ask yourself the question, what's the real problem? Usually, when people are deciding which issue to address in their speeches, they choose the simplest one instead of the complex one, the current event instead of the model behavior, the easier one instead of the difficult one. In this case, the conversation does not address the real issue you are stuck on and the problem remains unresolved, grows or gets out of control.

Critical Skills Training Catalog

You are quite right to be concerned about where to start talking about a relationship problem. Relationship problems take several forms. First, as you mentioned, sometimes we don't speak up at the context level (the first time it happens), or we don't speak up after it becomes a pattern of behavior that is repeated. One of the participants in our trainings helped me define these terms by saying that the first time is an event, the second time can be considered a coincidence, but the third and subsequent times are now a pattern of behavior. So, when we ignore a problem or delay addressing it, we now have a relationship problem in front of us.

For example, one of your employees came to work twenty minutes late; this issue (incident) is a Content problem . He came to work late three times this week: This issue has become a repetitive behavior and is now a Model problem. The consequences are probably more serious. If you have not said anything up to this point, it will inevitably become a trust issue between you and that person. So it is now a Relationship problem . Back to your question:

1. It is useful to address issues early, while they are still at the content level. That way, the consequences are lighter for everyone. Emotions are more controlled. Also, by raising a problem early on, you show that your goal is to understand and solve the problem, not to "find a scapegoat" or to give a guilty conscience.

2. If you haven't spoken up until now, you need to address the real issue: His habit of being late is undermining your trust that he will keep his promises to you. This is the right issue to talk about now and you need to start here. You don't need to go through the previous stages of CPR. When you start talking, remember the STATE skills I taught you in the training. Start with the facts. For example: "According to our agreement you start work at 8.00 am. But you have been at least 20 minutes late every day for the last 3 days." Now share your story: "I'm starting to wonder how much I can trust you to show up on time and keep your promises." In summary, start at the level where you will address the real problem.

Love

Bahar Sen

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