Dealing with Difficult Relatives

The following article was originally published on November 17, 2010.

Dear Critical Skills,

As the Eid holidays approached, I found myself in a difficult dilemma with my family. My wife and I have a tradition of visiting my parents, who live seven hours away, for the holidays. This year my parents informed me that my sister would be there. My sister is a drug addict and has been in and out of prison for thirty years. Every time she gets out, my parents roll out the red carpet for her because she says she is going to get her life back together. When she reverts to her old destructive habits, they turn a blind eye.

This has caused a lot of problems between my parents and us five siblings over the years. I would like to continue the custom of spending the holiday with them, but I don't feel comfortable staying in the same house with my sister. They live in a rural area, so there are no options like hotels around.

I think I only have two options: Either I continue with this tradition and ruin the holiday for myself (which can be dangerous) or I give up and damage my relationship with my parents. I don't see any win-win here, please help me.

Signature,
Stuck

Dear Stuck,

If I may, I'm going to get a little philosophical and share my views on the purpose of life. My aim is not to convince you of the truth of this view, but simply to explain the context of my proposals.

For me, life is about building relationships with people with whom we are inextricably linked. The family is at the top of this category.

This has the following implications for our dialog with you: I can put myself in your shoes. I have loved ones who have struggled with addiction. It has always been one of the greatest pains of my life to see them destroy the progress they have made through months of hard work and end up back in jail or back on the streets. Equally painful is the behavior of those close to them that sets the stage for this devastation. Faced with this devastating situation, I usually go back and forth between two reflexes: Either I feel an irresistible urge to take the reins in my hands, or I remove myself from the situation completely.

And neither of these reflexes is compatible with my view of the purpose of life, which is to develop the character to relate to imperfect people. When I try to take control or distance myself from loved ones struggling with addiction, I feel that my life is impoverished and my character weakened.

When I find myself in your shoes, it comes down to this: How do I maintain closeness in a way that can have a positive impact on even my most troubled loved ones?

Enough philosophy. Let's look at your situation.

First of all, you speak of a possible danger. If by this you mean bringing the children into an environment where your sister is using substances, I would back off and explain my concern to my parents, while avoiding using this decision as a threat to exclude your sister. Explain that you understand their desire to invite your sister and that you hope it will be a good experience for both them and your sister, but that you feel the need to take precautions because of your children. On the day of the feast you can phone your parents and sister to congratulate them, so that they do not misunderstand your decision.

If you decide to go, there are a few critical conversations you will need to have:

1. Motives.
You need to change your motives. The mood at home this holiday may be one of uncertainty and strangeness instead of peace and harmony, but it can still be a meaningful holiday. It may even be more meaningful than the previous ones. Your goal is not to cure your sister or to show your parents the right way. It is to improve your relationship with each of them, to build greater closeness. Doing so can increase your positive influence in each of their lives in the future.

2. Boundaries.
You cannot control your sister or parent, but you can control yourself. Beforehand, think about what situations could happen there. Then ask yourself: "If what I really want is to influence my sister and parent in a positive way, how will I react to these situations?" Don't wait for the emotion of the moment to make this decision. Think about it well in advance.

Then discuss these boundaries with your parents. Explain that you love them and want to be together for the holidays, but that you have your own ideas about how to deal with some of the possible difficulties. You don't expect them to agree with you, you just want them to understand your intentions if you have to act in a way that may cause them to feel uncomfortable.

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING

For example, if your sister uses drugs, you may choose to leave or call the police. Before you go, discuss these limits with your parents and see if you can agree on them. If there is a major difference of opinion between you, you can choose not to attend the meeting. If this happens, be careful not to explain your decision in a punitive way. Do not use your decision to force your parent to accept your terms. Respect their right to disagree with you. Let them know that you hear them. Express your love. When things have calmed down a bit more, ask them if it is okay for you to visit them.

If you decide to go there after having these two conversations, stick to your promises. Take small steps to show your sister your love. Prepare yourself for possible disappointment or rejection. Improving your relationship with your sister today could put you in a position to influence her to break free from addiction one day in the future. This process can go back and forth (it has with some people in my life).

While these are complex and difficult situations, one of the things I am most grateful for this holiday is the closeness I have had with one of my loved ones who has been in the most desperate situation for a long time.

I hope I am not being presumptuous. If I have misunderstood your situation or imposed my views on you inappropriately, please forgive me and do not let my shortcomings come between us.

Sincerely,
Joseph