Are You Passive-Aggressive?

I recently took the Crucial Conversations training and became aware of the spectrum of silence-dialogue-violence. I think my tendency is to use silence at work and violence at home. I've been pondering for a while why I behave differently in these two settings. I thought I felt safer at home, but recently I realized that what looks like silence at work may actually be passive aggression.

Greetings,
Self-criticism

Dear Self-criticism

A few years ago,I came across an article in the Business section ofUSAToday. At the top of the page, there was an article about a former foreclosure officer for the Internal Revenue Service. Frankly, at the time, I didn't think I could find a more gripping article than that. But on the next page, there was another article with a headline that almost had neon lights flashing at the top: "Are You Smiling But Foaming Inside?" Hmmm, the foreclosure officer, or smiling in a fit of rage? You can probably guess that I immediately moved on to the second article. I soon realized that what I thought was an article about the behavior of individuals was actually an examination of organizational behavior, or more precisely, collective behavior within organizations. Not only did the article reveal the impact of passive aggressive culture, it also revealed the sectors that are more prone to foster it. Reading this article got me thinking about, observing (and sometimes even participating in) both individual and collective passive aggressive behaviors. After years of studying this topic, I can now confidently say that the answer to your question is yes. If this answer confuses you, let me explain a little more.

Over the years I have noticed something interesting about the line from silence to violence. It is not always a line; it is often represented by an arc. In this arc, silence and violence stand at opposite ends, but rather than being opposites, they bend and extend towards each other. In many cases they touch each other in a sudden leap from silence to violence or from violence to silence. As for your question, passive-aggressive behaviors can easily take the form of implicit silence, because that is what they are.

This may sound a bit backwards, but silence and violence are based on the same emotion: Fear. While it may seem easy to make the connection between silence strategies and fear, it was not so easy for me to make the connection between fear and violence. Here are some examples of violence motivated by fear: "I am afraid that you don't agree with me, so I have to show my strength" or "I am afraid that I won't be able to show myself, so I have to attack." So if you treat strategies of silence and violence as different expressions of the same emotion, the boundaries between them start to blur. Sometimes it becomes so blurred that you cannot clearly classify the behavior.

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING

Now let's come to the issue that you didn't ask, but I think deserves to be part of this discussion. There are two types of passive aggression that I encounter most often in different organizations. These take different forms in different parts of the world. So, as you go through them, try to find out if they occur where you live or work and how they manifest.

The first type is more of an aggressive passive strategy. It is one of the most common signs that a person does not feel safe while creating a sense of insecurity in others. This strategy is widely used because it is always at hand and there are many more examples all around us. Let's not forget that there is also a playful and entertaining form of sarcasm. But much of the cynicism I see in organizations is in line with the origin of the word. Sarcasm, derived from the Greek sarkazein, literally means "to skin". Ahh! And to minimize the pain, he always follows it up with, "I'm kidding! You can't take a joke," comes the cliché.

The second strategy is closer to the proven passive-aggressive approach. The idea is to stab the other person in the back whenever you feel weak. Never voice your concerns, hesitations or contrary opinions when talking to that person, but wait to discuss them with a disinterested third party who has no way of solving the problems you are talking about. Extra points if you talk about your concerns anonymously with someone who is likely to leak them to someone who can solve the problem. This type looks more innocent than the first example, but the long-term impact on the relationship and the culture of the organization is the same.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you about these tactics that drive people apart for fun. I think the sooner we realize that we are not in a dialogue (especially when we deviate from the path in a subtle, subtle way), the sooner we can return to the dialogue and reduce the damage. I wish you passive-aggression-free conversations!

Good luck to you,
Steve Willis