Is It Appropriate to Have Critical Conversations Over Email?

Dear Bahar, I think I am polite and careful when I speak, but it has been a month and a half since I got a new job and I have lost confidence in communicating well here via e-mail.

Sometimes I give feedback on critical issues, but I find that the tone of what I say is rarely interpreted as I mean it. Do you have any advice for having critical conversations via email?

e-Forced

Dear e-Restrained,

As you say, real conversations rarely happen via email. This makes email a particularly dangerous tool for critical conversations. When the stakes are high, opinions differ and emotions are strong, this is a time when you really need to have an authentic, face-to-face conversation. You need all your skills to read the other person's reaction, and electronic tools can severely limit your ability to do so. What makes matters worse is that when texting back and forth (usually separated by a reasonable amount of time), there is not much space to gracefully give and receive the message. In a face-to-face discussion, for example, you can instantly pick up on someone's reticence to comply with your request and back off and try a different tactic. That's not likely to happen when you write what you want in an email and then wait for a response.

I realize I'm telling you things you already know, but let me go on to talk about some of the challenges of digital communication. Imagine writing a long request that you know will be difficult for the other person to do. You also suspect that the work you are asking the other person to do will put their work-life balance at risk. This is not the kind of thing you want to communicate about via email. Inevitably, such a request will affect every part of the project. For the recipient, it seems to pile up one request after another, creating stress, anxiety and even anger.

I find myself getting frustrated when reading such electronic requests, because it feels like the other person is blindly listing new requests despite my growing frustration. Even though he or she cannot see the frustration on my face, I assume that he or she is insensitive to my openly oppositional reactions.

WHAT IS CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING?

In this way, of course, time and distance make matters worse. When I push back on an aggressive email request, I start to fill in the details in my head about the other person's motives. I assume that because I can't see the concern on their face or detect the warmth in their voice, they don't care about me. This person is being cold and selfish and not at all interested in the fact that I will miss my son's birthday because of this request.

No wonder you are worried about having critical conversations via email. Bad things can happen when you do that, especially when people don't know you very well. Here are a few steps you can take to eliminate or at least reduce the risks.

First, don't have truly critical conversations via email. No matter what kind of high-risk situation, whether it's making a request, presenting an unpopular opinion, or expressing an opposing view to someone in power, do your best to talk face-to-face.

If you cannot speak face-to-face, find a reasonable alternative. Try talking through video conferencing software. These technologies have been saving my life lately. These tools sometimes have short delays depending on your internet connection, but this way of speaking allows you to project your expression to the other person. You can also see other signs of hesitation, such as frowning, or even anger, and quickly take steps to reduce the reaction.

If video is not an option, a handy invention found on March 10, 1876 can be very helpful. The telephone. Although the telephone eliminates the visual cues you might notice, it allows for two important elements of a healthy conversation. First, you can speak, pause and let the other person speak, avoiding the mass of data that is scattered in a single text.

Second, you can notice pauses, tone changes and other vocal indicators that the other person is feeling hesitant or emotional. You need to pay special attention to listen for signs of stress, as you will miss visual cues, but you can usually pick up some signs before the conversation gets out of hand.

I recently asked my business partner, a person who is constantly engaged in high-stakes conversations with people all over the world, what he does to successfully manage a conversation in the face of distance challenges, lack of visual cues, or even multiple parties and language differences. His answer was immediate: "I keep an ear out for pauses, tensions and other signs that indicate whether everyone agrees with the proposal being made. At the same time, I pay special attention to inviting those who have been largely silent to speak up to express their views. I never assume that silence is a sign of agreement; in fact, I assume the opposite until I hear genuine agreement."

If you are in circumstances where you can only communicate electronically, use this medium as an invitation to engage them in a real conversation. Explain that you need to talk as soon as possible. Don't immediately pounce on your controversial content. Instead, start with a simple invitation.

Finally, if you need to act quickly and have no time to delay, start by being delicate and imprecise with your request. Because people don't know you very well, they seem to assume the worst, rather than the best, about how sensitive you are to their circumstances. Over time, once people know your sensitivity and willingness to cooperate, they will come to trust you and you will be able to communicate in many ways.

Until then, when you find it difficult to follow a path with technological communication, first apologize for sending an email when making a difficult request. Explain that while you would much prefer to talk face-to-face, the situation requires you to act immediately. Explain that you are sensitive to the other person's differing views or their terrible workload, and then lay out (1) why you are pressed for time and (2) the rationale behind the request. This often sets the stage for talking about the consequences for you, the other person and the company if the request is not met. Be careful to share not only your demands but also the essence of the issue. Then, meticulously ask if the other person can comply or find an alternative solution. Finally, thank the other person for their kindness in considering this and conclude by asking them to respond as soon as possible so that you know where you stand.

Again, this is something you would only do if you have no other option or if you already have a relationship of mutual respect and trust with the other person.