How to Talk to a Team Member Who Goes Over Your Head and Complains to Your Boss

Dear Bahar

What should I do when my coworker goes and complains to my superiors about my performance before discussing her concerns with me? I wish I had a chance to talk to him about it, but he always goes over my head.

Signature,
Backstabbed

Dear Behind Your Back,

It seems unfair that you don't have the opportunity to address your colleague's concern first, before it is escalated to a manager. Since you asked how to face this situation effectively, here are a few tips for you:

Start with yourself. What is your role?

Do you have a part in creating this situation? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you can be the bad guy here. I'm saying that when a situation arises, we all have a role or a stake in it. Recognizing and owning up to your own role - even if it is a small one - can help you put the situation in a humble and sincere human perspective. Did you give your colleague any reason to feel insecure about giving feedback (perhaps you were defensive or resistant or rejected suggestions)? Have you agreed on a process for how to raise mutual concerns when working together? Reflect on your role in bringing the situation to this point and own it. The more humility you offer, the more likely he is to feel comfortable hearing your message.

Identify and Eliminate Fear

Your colleague avoids talking to you. What might her fear be? Think about what she might be afraid of when she chooses not to speak directly to you. Perhaps she is afraid of your reaction or perception of her, or perhaps she is afraid of confronting and revealing her own lack of communication skills. As you talk to her, think of ways to address and allay these fears:

"I understand that it can be difficult to address performance issues when we are not each other's supervisor. Please know that I would welcome the opportunity to address performance concerns, especially when they first arise. I want to do the best job I can, and if it looks like I'm not doing so, I would like to know the truth. "

Be Honest in Your Intentions and Consider His Feedback

Do you really want to hear your colleague's criticisms and what he or she sees missing in you? Or do you just want a chance to defend yourself, to dismiss or refute his or her concerns? If you are inviting him or her to do something that seems risky by talking to you first, be prepared to really hear what he or she has to say, sincerely consider his or her feedback, and try to keep your reactions within a healthy response framework. You don't want to punish her for her honesty. If you ask someone to open the door of an expired food in the refrigerator, you should be ready for the potential odor.

Solve the Problem Long Term

In order to move forward quickly, it is tempting, of course, to wait for your teammate to discuss their concerns about your performance with you first. However, the issue in your scenario seems to be much deeper. Therefore, it seems that you both need a trusting environment and process where you can quickly raise concerns with each other, and in doing so, sincerely evaluate your concerns without taking them to heart. For this process to be sustainable, you need to have a working relationship with your teammate based on trust and respect.

Feedback Fridays

You don't want to face a potential performance setback every time you talk, but you still want to have a cordial working relationship. So set some boundaries and make it easy to have these conversations on a regular basis. For example, every Friday for "Feedback Fridays" you can have a Turkish coffee with your colleague or get together on your terms. The duration can be short and you can even make it enjoyable (such as Fridays with Baklava - Let's Eat Sweet and Talk Sweet) so that you both have a safe space to see how you work together.

I hope these tips will help.

Good luck to you,

Spring

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