How to Apologize Sincerely?

Dear Bahar

Recently I said something that hurt someone in my family. I apologized soon after, but he doesn't seem to fully accept my apology. Even when I try to communicate, he gives me the cold shoulder. I think what I said still bothers him. I think I've done my part and it's up to him to accept the apology. Do you think I should approach this differently?

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Apology Not Accepted

Dear Apology Not Accepted,

I understand the situation very well. In recent years I have been doing research on sincere apologies and I have been trying to make them a habit in my own life. Let me share with you what I have learned and I hope it will help you.

1. Make sure you don't apologize in a cursory way -almost everyone has made a dry apology at some point in their lives. It goes without saying that such apologies do more harm than good. If you are in the habit of saying any of the following or similar things, don't.

• I'm sorry you took it that way.
• I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.
• I'm sorry things turned out the way they did.
• I feel bad, but it would have been much worse if ....
• I didn't mean to hurt you, but the situation . . .
• I apologized. Why can't you put this behind you?

2. The reason for a bad apology is to focus primarily on your own motivation. For many of us, apologizing is a box to check on a list to make the offended or hurt party feel better. But if that is the reason for the apology, it is a dry apology and useless. We apologize because we don't want the other person to be offended. There were times when I made this mistake when I was younger. I acted in such a way that I wanted people to like me, to approve of me and to make me "good" with others so that I could quickly get our relationship back to that "good" state. But if you listen to my explanation, you can see that my motivation here is actually to make ME feel good and accepted. So the apology was not really for the other person, but for my own motivation. Is your apology about you, or about the other person? The whole relationship, or just your part of it?

3. It's not about saying "I'm sorry." The truth is that the moment Mutual Respect is violated in any way, an apology is needed. Whether intentionally or accidentally, you have made a friend, colleague, relative or life partner feel excluded, offended or disrespected. This reality has given me a very helpful way of thinking

Apologizing is more than saying "I'm sorry" or "It's my fault". It is about restoring lost respect.

What does that mean? Have you ever restored a house or watched a house restoration on TV? Restoration takes time and attention to detail. When you offend someone, they feel disrespected. You have to put that respect back. You have to rebuild respect by putting each brick back one by one. Sometimes this means giving the other person time to heal. Give him/her time to see that you have changed (not only in your words but also in your behavior). The late Stephen Covey said: "You can't talk your way out of a situation you got into with your behavior."

4. It's all about the person you have offended. When I work with groups in Crucial Conversations trainings, I always ask, "What makes an apology a good apology?" The group members immediately and unanimously say "Sincerity". Then I ask, "Who decides whether an apology is sincere or not?" This time the answer is not so quick. "The person apologizing, I suppose," the students say hesitantly. The other person expects to hear and see evidence that you understand the situation. They want to know that you understand how respect was violated. I'm not sure which of the following tips would be most relevant to your situation, but here are a few ideas:

• Take responsibility - blame the situation. Above all, don't blame the offended or resentful party ("I am sorry that you chose to resent me.")
• Acknowledge the damage you have caused without trying to minimize it.
• Be ready to condemn your own behavior. Acknowledge that you have not acted in accordance with your values (e.g. if you are usually a tolerant and high tolerance person, if you have a low tolerance for an incident and offended someone, acknowledge that you have not acted in accordance with your values).
• If there is a punishment you deserve, accept it; make amends with a sacrifice equal to or greater than the grief you have caused. (The band-aid should be as big or bigger than the wound.)
• Make a commitment to the other person that you will refrain from committing the same offense again in the future. More precisely, promise to refrain from actions that even come close to repeating the same offense.
• Do not expect or demand forgiveness. Your goal is to show that you understand the offended person's values and grievances, to condemn your own misconduct, and not to repeat it.

I hope you see the importance of apologizing in a more nuanced way. In the end, your apology must show that you did it consciously.

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