How to Give Feedback Without Breaking Someone's Spirit

Dear Bahar

How can I give feedback to a person about their personality rather than their behavior? I am a supervisor in an NGO (Non-Governmental Organization) for the personal development of corporate employees.

The leader of this NGO volunteers his time and energy to this organization, just like the other members. We all want all members to develop and progress both personally and professionally. However, the head of the NGO has a very individualistic character and often has his own way of doing things. How can I tell this volunteer leader, who actually means well, that he is frustrating some members and is about to make them leave? It is important for me not to lose volunteers. I need to help this person improve his/her performance, but I find it difficult to give him/her feedback about a personality problem. What should I do?

Signature,
Dertli NGO Supervisor

Dear troubled supervisor,

Thank you for your effort and contribution to a voluntary organization.

Before we get down to business, let's make a distinction between personality and behavior: roughly speaking, personality is who you are, behavior is what you do.

Walter Mischel, a groundbreaking psychologist, said that behavior is not something that is fixed in our personality, but something that is variable and moves according to the situation. Different situations lead to different behaviors. For example, I may have an analytical personality, meaning that I tend to think through information before making a decision. But if someone is pressing me or a deadline is imminent, I may make very quick decisions. My behavior can change.

First you need to look at what behaviors are necessary for an effective NGO leader? So identify a few high leverage behaviors that are necessary for this leader to be successful in his current leadership role. Then think about his or her strengths. Then think about his/her strengths and identify which behaviors that stem from these strengths meet the behavioral expectations of the job and the role.

Pre-tip: When identifying these core behaviors, make sure that they are observable behaviors and not character traits. For example, "sending out an agenda 48 hours before each meeting with the agenda items and necessary materials" is a behavior, while "be more organized" is a personality behavior.

Think about these behaviors in advance and leave the door open for his/her views. When you create a safe environment for a frank conversation, you may be surprised to hear his/her views on the topic.

First clarify your common mission for your work in this NGO. Focus on what you really want for yourself, for her, for the relationship and for the group in the long run. Share this healthy rationale openly with him/her so that he/she understands that your intention is not to focus on his/her shortcomings, but to contribute to the success of the organization, the group, and him/her.

Having this conversation does not mean that you will ignore her behaviors that are not serving the group and the organization. Instead, use facts without judgment to help him/her understand the behaviors that need to be changed. For example, instead of saying "you are difficult to work with" or "you are disorganized", share the behavior you witnessed: "In the last two meetings I noticed that there was no pre-set agenda, and in both meetings three decisions that should have been taken were not taken"

Knowing one's own personality traits does not necessarily mean that one is aware of how these traits affect other people. So try sharing with him/her facts that make visible the invisible consequences of his/her repeated behavior. For example, "I'm not sure if you are aware, but when we were in the meeting, no one else spoke after you spoke," or "two people had tears in their eyes after you spoke," or "I noticed that you spoke for 50 minutes in our one-hour meeting, but your agenda items were only one of the seven total items. After the first two items, we ran out of time, so the other five items could not be addressed. One of our members had traveled two hours to attend the meeting, but his item could not be discussed."

In summary, identify two or three high-leverage behaviors that will enable him to grow in his leadership role. Be clear about your shared intentions and use this as an entry point for discussion. Only share facts from your observations to make the environment safe. Help him/her improve his/her performance by describing his/her behavior, not his/her personality.

Good luck to you,

Spring

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