How to Create a Safe Environment and Balance in Team Meetings?

Dear Joseph,

In a group I was working with recently, there was a female participant who was constantly trying to impose her own agenda. She was so oppressive that she was disrupting our progress. I gently told her that she was clinging to her ideas and was unwilling to give them up. I told her that we all do this from time to time and asked her to open herself up a bit to other people's ideas. From that moment on she was silent. When I went to him later and asked him how he was, he told me that he was very hurt. I had embarrassed him by excluding him.

What would I need to do to serve the whole group without causing embarrassment to any one individual?

Signature,
The Facilitator's Dilemma

Dear Facilitator's Dilemma,

Your question took me back in time. I once had a chemistry teacher who used the tactic suggested by your participant. In a huge 200-seat classroom, my friend and I were joking around during the lecture, when he suddenly interrupted the class and said in a commanding voice, like Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter: "Clowning around in my classes is rude and unacceptable!"

The teacher knew who he meant. Everyone in the class knew. Everyone even turned to see how we would react. My friend's face turned red. I'm sure mine was no different.

I think that feedback in the form of "I'm telling you, you understand" is insincere, manipulative and ineffective. Insincere because you are not saying what you really think. They are manipulative because you are trying to align someone's behavior without taking into account what motivates that behavior. They are often ineffective because they replace dialogue and problem solving with monologue.

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS

The real issue here is that she was embarrassed. The question is: How do you create the conditions for sincerity in a group while minimizing the possibility of embarrassment?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Normalize mistakes. People are not ashamed of making mistakes. Nor are they ashamed for making mistakes in public. Shame comes not from making a mistake, but from thinking that we are a mistake. Feeling that our identity and self-worth are at stake creates shame in us. You can therefore minimize this possibility by being early in discussions to normalize making mistakes. For example, if you are facilitating a group that is likely to have strong and opposing opinions, you might start by saying: "I think there will be fierce discussions here. You are here because you are people of both influence and opinion. We need your ideas. We need you to defend them vigorously. Please don't avoid it! Now let's make a joint decision here. What can prevent us from defending our ideas?" Engage the group in a discussion about behaviors that can get in the way of group decision-making (denigrating others' points of view, arguing without listening, etc.). After making a list of these behaviors, I would say something like: "Believe it or not, all of these things are going to happen in the next few hours. There is nothing wrong with that. It's normal!"

2. Ask permission. Coaching is less provocative when it is by invitation. Following your attempt to normalize mistakes, ask participants for permission to offer real-time coaching. For example, you might ask the group: "What would you prefer me to do when we encounter these behaviors - because we are sure to encounter them?" or, "Would you give me permission to interrupt the discussion and not give you personal coaching when the need arises?" Then get each participant's consent. People are less defensive when they receive feedback on their own terms. Research on the perception of pain shows that when the patient chooses the timing of the pain, rather than feeling pain suddenly and unannounced, the pain felt is reduced. What is true for physical pain is even more true for emotional pain.

3. Start small and start early. Finally, make it a rule to give quick feedback during your facilitation. Doing so shows the group that feedback is healthy and normal, not threatening and rare. It is likely that the woman in your group resented you singling her out more than anything else, and this felt like a violation to her. All that aside, defensiveness is a choice. You cannot stop people from choosing to take things personally. Some people carry so much shame inside them that even the most skilled facilitators cannot break their tendency to take things personally. However, using these simple tools, you can make it easier for them.

Good luck!
Joseph