How Can We Change People Who Don’t Want to Change?

In the Behavioral Scientists video series by our Partner and the founders of Vitalsmarts (watch below), two young people, still children, were asked to talk to smokers. Their goal was to get smokers to consider quitting. They used two different strategies in this conversation: "tell" or "ask". In the case of "tell", they did what many people have tried before - they told the smokers why they should stop smoking. In the case of "ask", these young people asked the smokers for a light. It was fascinating to see how the smokers reacted.

When trying to influence people who need motivation, not information, don't offer them more information. Instead, use questions to create a safe environment where they can explore the motivations they already have.

For example, let's say you want your partner to improve his or her fitness. If you lecture her, how will she react? He or she will become defensive, right? Instead, try asking a question. "If you wanted to improve your fitness level, what would you need to change? What would make these changes 'difficult or unpleasant'? These questions create a safe environment for your partner to review the facts they already know.

The problem with reminding people of truths they already know is that it can feel patronizing or like you want to control them. People's natural reaction is to resist such things and assert their independence. Psychologists call this "reactivity".

Think about how we usually try to get smokers to stop smoking. Most smokers already know the facts. They have read the warning labels and seen the public service announcements. More lecturing is unlikely to be effective. That's why in this experiment VitalSmarts wanted to test the power of powerful questions instead of lectures.

They recruited two young people (children) to be allies. They approached smokers on the street to see if they would consider quitting smoking. Using the 'tell' strategy, they used the traditional lecture approach and then asked the smoker if they would like information on how to quit smoking. In this case, 90 percent of smokers responded angrily, and less than half took the paper with information on how to quit.

When implementing the "ask" strategy, the young collaborators had fake cigarettes in their hands and asked the smoker for a light. The smokers' reactions were striking. None of them gave a light and none of them took the request for granted. Instead, they stopped what they were doing and started lecturing the young people about the dangers of smoking. This question from the children led to a strong anti-smoking attitude and rebuke from the adults who smoked!

Then the young people asked the second powerful question: "Okay, you care about us, but what about you, why do you smoke?" Then they offered information on how to quit. In this case, 90 percent of the smokers committed to try to quit.

Did the smokers actually quit smoking? We don't know. However, when advertising giant Ogilvy & Mather launched the study in Bangkok, Thailand, calls to the "Stop Smoking Helpline" increased by 40 percent on the day of the experiment. This showed that influence goes beyond words to action.

Try this technique the next time you want to help someone make a difficult change. Instead of repeating facts they already know, try asking questions. The goal is to get them to explore their own motivations without feeling pressured by you.

Below are a few questions you can try.

"What makes you think about change?"
"What would be different if things turned out exactly the way you wanted?"
"What are the pros and cons of changing or not changing?"
"If this change was easy, would you want to make it? What makes it difficult?"

Good luck

Spring