Silent Spouse

Dear Critical Skills,

Whenever my husband and I start a conversation that he doesn't want to have, he says something like, "You always want things your way," and then refuses to continue the conversation. This leaves the problems between us unresolved and affects other areas of our lives. How can I get over it?

Signature,
Unresolved

Dear Unsolved

When we ask participants about the challenges they face during Crucial Conversations Trainings, this problem comes up in various forms. Some say that they are married to a mime, while others say that their spouses completely disagree with them, especially when discussing a difficult topic at home. Others say that their spouses can talk about everything except the really important things, and when it comes to those things, they fall silent again.

This is such a common and difficult issue that we have explored it in depth in both "critical" books. The example in Crucial Conversations is: "Yes, but this is my wife you're talking about. I'm trying to have a meaningful discussion, to resolve an important issue, and she's holding back. What can I do?" Crucial Accountability has two of these: "Yes, but my wife never wants to talk about anything. I have a problem with her, and she tells me not to worry about it, or that we can't talk about it right now, or that I've completely misunderstood her; or that she'll go back to the TV and deal with me later. And that never happens." "Yes, but I keep bringing up the same issues over and over again, and my husband and children keep doing the same things. Then I become a nagging woman and I don't like it." There are more detailed answers in the books. Allow me to make a few points now.

"First of all,
We need to start by talking from the heart."

Before you open your mouth, ask yourself the questions that will lead you to the common goal: "What do I REALLY want for myself? What do I want for the other person? What do I want for the relationship?" These questions help you assess your purpose and move from self-centered and short-term intentions to shared and long-term intentions. It also allows you to start from a safer place when sharing your thoughts, instead of being driven by emotions and blame.

But the trick to solving this problem is to arrive at the right conversation. At Crucial Accountability, we suggest a process for choosing between Content, Pattern and Relationship discussions.

In strained relationships, talking about content doesn't work. Content includes issues like cleaning the garage, not coming home on time, spending too much money. What you are describing is clearly a pattern and a relationship problem. The problem is a pattern. It keeps repeating and it is affecting your relationship in various ways. So I suggest you talk about talking about talking. You could say something like: "Can we talk about the way we communicate? I want to understand how we both see how we talk and what we want. The last time we talked, you told me that I want everything to be my way; I don't want to be understood that way. I want to talk things out in a way that we both agree, if possible. Is that OK?" If your partner agrees, he or she can ask: "Well, where do we start?" You can then say: "Here's how it works for me: When we start talking about something important, if we disagree, just when I want to talk more, you stop talking. I want to understand why this is happening. Can you help me?"

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS

Of course, there is no text that is guaranteed to work in every situation. The important thing is that you put the right issues on the table (the pattern and the relationship) and that you are sincere in your desire to understand how your partner sees the situation. If you make the environment safe enough, you can also be open about how you see your partner's behavior and how it affects you. This means mutual commitment; it means dialog.

Critical conversations are interactions about high-stakes, emotional issues that two people approach differently. Remember, you either talk about these issues or you react to them. The main thing here is to talk about the right issue.

Best wishes,

Al Switzler