Dear Bahar
How do you establish a dialog with a manager who uses the superiority of his/her position, says"I am the boss! " , silences you and ends the dialog ?I am in a position where I need to talk about better solutions for our company,but when I do,the other person uses their authority to end the conversation immediately.
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Helpless
Dear Helpless
You have touched on a topic that is of great interest to us in theCritical Conversations cases . From the very beginning ofour research, we wanted to find outhow people can discuss emotionally and politically risky issues with people who are more powerful than them in terms of position. We believe thatCritical Conversations skills are of little use if our techniques do not work in precisely these moments.
Interestingly, the times when I realized once again how powerful the competencies we teach people are were not so much when I was teaching these skills to others, but when I had to manage critical conversations in my own life.
For example,one or three years ago, I was working witha strong CEO ,let's say his name was Mr. Ali . Mr. Alihad a sharpface and a stern
A few months after the project started, we were at the point where we could share the plan with the employees. After a large-scale employee meeting, we started walking together towards the executive offices.I was happy thatthe project was somehow working. Mr. Ali, who didn't say anything until we approached his office, said to me as if he was a stern school principal, " Ms. Bahar, can I see you inmy office?"
When we closed the door to the roomand took our places on the couches , a lot of things were going through my mind. " Ms. Bahar,I have somehesitations.Could yougoover the plan one more time?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We had gone over the plan many times together. What did "going over it" mean? He knew the plan as well as I did. We had developed it together!
"Okay," I said , "the next step will be diagnostics. We need to collect data on the types of behaviors that slow down decision-making and increase waste."
And he wagged his finger at me and said: "No, we won't do that. The data we have is more than enough. We don't need any more data. I want to eliminate one of the steps.Take the diagnostic process off the list."
When I readyour question, I immediately thought of this moment. What do you do when someone more influential than you plays the "boss" card? How do you react when they end the conversation completely? This was one of the pivotal moments in my career whenwhat I had been teachingbecame a reality . I couldno longer look at the situation with the risk-averse attitude of a distant consultant. I could see first-hand that the most important projectof our companywasalmostslipping through my hands .
I found myself doing what I told othersnot to do. I began to think I had to choose between telling the truth and maintaining a good relationship . I was torn between my beliefs and my fears. Fortunately, my beliefs prevailed. I now knew from my own experience that it was possible to both maintain andstrengthen the relationship by telling the truth.
Ask for permission. One of the best ways to create a safe environment is to give up control. Accept that the other person is in charge. Do not try to impose feedback. Do not argue. Do not criticize. Only ask permission to share.
Give the other person a reason to talk. Find a motivation that will encourage the other person and has a logical connection to what you want to share. Use this value you have found to articulate the request to speak. For example, I knew that Mr. Ali cared a lot about the speed and efficiency of this highly visible project. The future financial health of the company was directly linked to its success in his view.
Say what the other person is afraid to say People often end conversations that they find pointless or frightening. If an influential person is avoiding talking because they are scared, they probably won't admit it. You will need to address this scary issue for him/her. As I understand it from Mr. Ali's previous occasional comments, he decided to eliminate the diagnostic step altogether because he felt that it increased his consulting fees even though he did not think it provided value.
Accept your role. After all, you are not the boss; the other person is. Accept this fact and validate your position accordingly. This shows respect and creates a climate of trust for your boss.
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And I said to him: " Mr. Ali, I am awarethatyouare the boss . First of all, I want you to know that. At the end of this conversation, whatever you want to do, we will act accordingly." Mr. Ali looked at me with a puzzled expression. After giving him some time to fully comprehend what I was saying, I continued. "Secondly, if there are points in this plan that you think do not provide value, or even unnecessarily increase consulting fees (at this point Mr. Ali started to smile), I would like to know about them. Finally, I would like us to have a relationship where you can ask me to justifymy work at any time ." I paused again and he nodded appreciatively.
"Above all, I want you to know that I believe the project will suffer greatly if we skip the diagnostic step. I am happy to explain these reasons toyouif you want. But if you don't, I will remove this step and do my best to compensate for the problems I think we will face."
"The ball isin your court," Ali Bey said, leaning back. In other words, he meant, "Tell me, but do it quickly." So I did, and we finally did the diagnostic stepat the beginning of the project. But that was not the most important outcome of this meeting. The most important outcome was that it gave us guidance on how to managecritical conversations in the future . Over thenexttwo years , Mr. Ali and I had a very healthy relationship, andhe always knocked on my door when he wanted honest and open feedback . When you are stuck between telling the truth and keeping the relationship intact, we think there are only two options. But we can protect our relationship and share the truth in a respectful way.
I hope these suggestions will help you learn to reopen conversations that seem to have stalled.
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Spring
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