Dear Emily,
Using critical conversation skills has helped me a lot in my life, but I have always been the initiator. I don't feel as equipped to be on the receiving end of criticism. My last relationship ended, in part, because my partner and I couldn't come to an agreement about my childrenIn that relationship, whenever my partner tried to talk to me about my children and their behavior, I felt judged, defensive and rebellious. I want to learn from my mistakes. Do you have any advice about being on the responding side of a critical conversation?Sincerely,
Defender
Dear Defender
I was sitting in Ron's office and I just blurted out something like: "I have to have a critical conversation with you and I'm sure I'm going to screw it up. I'm counting on your critical speaking skills to make up for my incompetence." I was not wrong.
I think Ron was the perfect embodiment of the responsive side of a critical conversation. I love your question because it reflects an incredible insight. When we are on the responding side of a critical conversation, we can use the same basic principles we use to start a conversation, but with a slight difference. Here's what I've learned from Ron and others:
1. Don't expect the other person to be a perfect critical speaker.
Those who know and practice critical speaking skills may unwittingly expect everyone around them to start critical conversations by making the environment safe and sharing the truth. If we are doing our best to understand their message, the least they can do is to get it right, right? So, if the other person says something rude, hurtful or disrespectful, we tell ourselves a story: This is a rude, hurtful and disrespectful person. While it makes sense, this story does us no good in that moment. It even makes us defensive.
If your story was like this, how would you react to someone who said something rude, hurtful or disrespectful to you? "Hmm! This man/woman has a difficult message to convey and has no idea how to do it. He/she needs some practice." When we let go of our expectation that people will perfectly articulate what they mean, we perceive poorly articulated messages as a lack of skill, not malice. This reduces our defensiveness, because suddenly it's not our issue, it's the other person's issue.
For most of us, it is easier to start a critical conversation because we have had time to prepare for it. We have thought through not only what we want to say, but why we want to say it (our intention) and how we want to say it (in a way that shows our good intentions). We have no such advantage of preparation when someone starts talking to us. Unless we demanded it.
It is always possible to take a break during a conversation. Sometimes it is easy to ask for this time: "I realize this is a very important topic for you, and it's important for me too. This is not a good time for me right now. Can we talk about it tomorrow?"
Sometimes it can be difficult to take a break in a way that satisfies both you and the other person. After all, this person has probably been thinking about this for some time and has only just worked up the courage to talk to you. He or she may be in a "now or never" mood. He or she has a message and wants to deliver it. Immediately. How can you pause if the other person is not willing? The way to do this is to distinguish between listening and thinking and listening and speaking. You may not be able to pause listening, but you can ask for time to respond. You can say something like: "I realize that this is very important to you and I want to listen to what you have to say, but I also want to be able to think about it before I respond, so that I can take it all in, so let me listen carefully to you now, and tomorrow, at a time to be arranged, I will give you my thoughts." It is very unlikely that the other person will want you to respond right then and there.
3. Make your intention to receive the message clear.
We teach that safety in critical conversations is about intention. If you feel you have to defend yourself, you are probably perceiving the other person's intentions negatively. He criticizes me. He doesn't love my children. He doesn't think I'm a good mother. The moment you feel defensive, step back and make it safe for yourself by questioning yourself about how you perceive the other person's intentions. Sometimes you can do this inwardly, in your head, and interpret the other person's intentions in the best way you can. Sometimes it is better to do it out loud: "I'm starting to feel the need to defend myself, because you seem to be implying that I'm not a good mother. I'm guessing that's not what you meant, but that's how I feel right now. Can you tell me what your intention is in bringing this up?"
CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING
You can also reduce your defensiveness by making your own intentions clear, regardless of the other person's intentions. Why do you want to listen to the other person's message? What is your purpose in having this critical conversation?
A few years ago, Joseph Grenny sent me an email saying that he had heard from a mutual friend that I was struggling with some issues, that he had some ideas that might help me, and that he would give me feedback if I let him. I had been working with Joseph for a long time and I knew he liked me, yet I felt very vulnerable reading this message. On the way to the "feedback" dinner with Joseph, this was running through my head: Feedback is a gift, feedback is a gift. I promised myself that no matter what he told me, I would take what he said and use it to improve myself. Luckily, Joseph was as adept at critical conversations as Ron McMillan. The conversation was not easy for me, but it was incredibly useful.
I have also had conversations with much less capable people who had important feedback to give me. My goal in these conversations was always the same: No matter how they delivered their message, to look at the truth in that message and try to figure out what I could use to improve myself. That was my intention when I listened to them and it created a tremendous safety zone for me.
Being on the receiving end of a critical conversation is not easy or comfortable. We are often vulnerable and unprepared. But if we are sure of our intention to listen to others and understand their point of view, and if we give ourselves time to digest the message, we can hear others' ideas.
Good luck to you,
Emily