The Bad Habits of Managers

Dear Joseph,

I have a problem with my boss. He often talks behind my coworkers' backs. I asked him not to do that and he apologized. But he continues to complain about people's performance when he is with me. Recently, I heard him say something negative about me to one of my subordinates. I didn't talk to him about it afterwards. I resent him and have completely lost trust in him. I don't want to resign because I love my job and the people I work with.

Signature,
Can you hear me?

Dear can you hear me,

With your permission, I would like to talk to you as if I were talking to myself. Please don't take my sincerity as sloppiness. Your boss has wronged you. He has wronged you. He broke your trust. All of that is true. But none of this will help you move forward. To help you, I will be very clear.

Of course your boss will talk behind your back! If he gossips about you to others, of course he will gossip about you to others. You should not be surprised by this.

You are offended because you have made yourself a victim. And you did this in two ways. First, you set a boundary (declare that you don't want to hear gossip) and expect your boss to take responsibility for it. That responsibility belongs to you, not to him. If you have expressed that you don't want him to gossip and yet you allow him to do it, at that point it becomes your problem, not his.

Secondly, you let him wrong you by gossiping about you and you did nothing about it. You say, "I didn't talk to him about it, I resented him and I lost all trust in him." A more accurate statement would be: "I have completely lost confidence in myself."

It is actually your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you don't defend yourself when someone violates your space, the problem is not the other person, it is you.

The principle is that resentment is a product of violated expectations. Your expectations belong to you and it is your responsibility both to communicate them to others and to take care of yourself when they are violated. Your boss is certainly not blameless for violating your perfectly reasonable and moral expectation. That is his problem. He has broken your trust and it is up to him to rebuild it - if he wants to have a good relationship with you. But it is your responsibility to protect yourself from his bad behavior.

You say you don't want to quit your job. That is perfectly normal. But remember that by choosing to stay there, you are also choosing to maintain a relationship with someone who is likely to continue gossiping. Don't blame him for this. He has already shown you what to expect from him. By choosing to stay there, you are also choosing to put up with the gossip. Stop resenting him. Instead, ask yourself what you will do to cope with this reality you have chosen.

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS

For example, you can do these:

1. 1. Create an expectation that you will confront your boss every time he or she gossips. Be clear with him and with yourself that you are doing this in self-defense, not to try to control him. Perhaps this will help him to change over time, but you shouldn't count on it.
      
      
   2. After you have confronted him or her about gossiping, forget about it. If you continue to feel resentful, it is because you are starting to take on the role of victim again and see your boss as responsible for looking after you. Resentment happens when you impose expectations on the other person, not on yourself. Once you fulfill your responsibility to yourself, you will be able to accept his or her shortcomings more easily. Because you behave with dignity, you will be able to bear his or her shortcomings.
      
      
   3. If problems grow, reconsider your decision. If his gossip increases or his behavior becomes unbearable, don't play the victim again. Don't give up your responsibility to take care of yourself. Stop and ask yourself: "What do I really want?" If your work has become less important than your quality of life, it's time to go.

I have been very clear, but please know that I know how it feels to be abused. You are right to feel that way. I hope these ideas will help you get rid of these feelings as soon as possible!

Sincerely,
Joseph