Dear Bahar
Recently, I was turned down for promotion to director. My manager told me that this decision was made by the votes of the other people who were interviewed. He said that if they had found me suitable for the position, then he would have promoted me anyway. I felt that he was not being accountable for the decision and I could not trust his honesty with me.
I tried to have a conversation with him about it. He had encouraged me to apply for the position when it first opened. I reminded him that he had told me a year ago that I was "a very good manager but not ready to be a director yet." He said that was a year ago and that I had now proven myself - AND that I had received the highest possible score on my performance appraisal. After all these conversations, I applied for the position. Now, he says, what the hell, it didn't work out and tells me to keep doing what I'm doing for another year. Since the conversation I had with him after the interview, he has hardly spoken to me. How should I deal with this situation?
Signature,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Yes, you are stuck. As I read your situation, it seems that first you felt stuck, you talked openly about it with your manager, and now you feel even more stuck (but in a completely different way). When you touched on what was not discussed before, you discovered one of the biggest difficulties: in discussing the non-negotiable, a new non-negotiable emerged. This is why these kinds of interactions can get really tricky very quickly. After all, one of the most important factors affecting a person's overall satisfaction at work is their relationship with their manager. So, when you find yourself in such a situation, a few ideas from Critical Conversations can help.
For example, you might consider parsing with IMI. IMI stands for Content, Model and Relationship and represents the different types of issues that can be addressed in any conversation.
Content is when a problem is a singular event and is best addressed when it first arises.
AModel issue is when a Content issue continues and repeats over a longer period of time.
ARelationship issue is an issue where the issue is now damaging your relationship with the other person. Often, Relationship issues are the result of unchecked pattern issues.
The majority of the chronic problems that people experience are not, I repeat, not content. They are pattern or relationship problems, and usually they are predominantly relationship problems. Take your case for example. What is the content? If it's about promotion, you are right. That was the easy part. After that it gets a bit more difficult. While not being promoted is a legitimate concern that needs to be addressed, you have moved on to a more important and risky issue, which is that your manager is not being honest with you (which is a Relationship issue). You moved from Content to Relationship because you felt stuck, which, if it were the right approach, would have gotten you unstuck and cleared your head. But instead you felt even more stuck. It's like being punished for speaking up (at least that's how it can feel).
CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING
You are now dealing with a new Relationship problem. Most people at this point try to wait it out in the hope that the situation will improve with time. Although the strategy of waiting it out sometimes works, I find that most of the time it doesn't. In this case, I suggest that you use STATE - (Express Your Way skills) or EXPLORE skills.
We use STATE skills to articulate the concerns we have and we use DISCOVER skills to uncover the concerns we suspect others have. Which skills you use depends on how you want to approach the situation. If you want to share your concern, use STATE skills. If you believe that your boss may have come to an erroneous conclusion about your intentions, use DISCOVER. In this case, let's use a mixed approach to get an idea of how both skills work.
You can start with the STATE skill Sharing the Facts. "Since our last conversation about the promotion, we don't seem to be connecting the way we used to. Before we had the conversation, we were talking two or three times a day, now it seems like we only talk when a project or task requires it (STATE). In terms of timing, this seems to be related to the conversation I had about my level of trust with you. Do you feel uncomfortable about that conversation? (Explore)"
In case you are wondering, these two skills were created to be used in combination. When we use STATE skills in the right way, they naturally lead us towards DISCOVERY. And similarly, if you are good at the Explore skills, you effectively create the conditions for STATE.
Now, you can come up with different sentence structures to suit your own liking and your own style, but I hope this gives you a way to address the issue with your manager. I would also suggest that you share your positive intentions in raising the issue. If your manager understands your motivations for having this conversation, it will help to avoid negative assumptions.
Love
Spring