How to Develop Accountability in Children

Dear Critical Skills,

I find it very difficult to get my children to do chores. When they are out and about they are usually happy to help others, but at home they often don't lift a finger. When we were little, my siblings and I used to notice and do things around the house. My children have no motivation to put their hands to anything.

Greetings,
The Last Drop in the Glass

Dear Last Drop,

Thank you for asking this question, which is a common concern for everyone. I think every parent in every era, in every society, can find something of themselves in your words. I will give you a few tips on how to influence children to take responsibility for things around the house.

Oneof the challenges we have with adolescents (and many adults) is that they value independence and autonomy, but when they get it, they don't always act responsibly. As parents, we believe that rights should come with responsibilities. Housework is also a great laboratory for building independence and responsibility.

Set up an accountability system that works independently of you. Currently you are responsible for every aspect of accountability. You tell your children when things need to be done, you evaluate their performance and praise or sanction them. You are their manager. Your goal is to make your children responsible for these elements. This will increase their independence and promote accountability.

ACCOUNTABILITY

It's a learning process, and I think you may discover that your children are not as reluctant as you thought. Of course they don't like to be interrupted in the middle of an important computer game with the command, "You're tidying your room now!", but the real hurdle here is skill. Most children have never had to set up an accountability system before; it takes time to learn.

Ask them to set clear standards. Let's think of a few chores you could haveyour children do: Dishes, laundry and tidying their room. Ask your children to create a checklist for each of these chores. For example, the steps for doing the laundry might be: Collect the dirty clothes, separate the colors from the whites, wash them separately, dry them, fold them, put them away. You should not be the one making this list. One of the children can make the list while the others evaluate and complete it. Give them as much independence and ownership of the system as possible.

Set roles, times and reminders. Don't remind children to do their part. Instead, let them decide who is responsible for what, how to remember it and how to remind each other. You may need to give them some guidance. For example, you could make a responsibility board where chores are written down (for example, Jamie is responsible for the laundry list on Tuesdays and Thursdays). Have them include reminders in their plan that don't come from you. For example, they can set an alarm on their phone. Let them set their own times to do things (within a reasonable time frame, of course). These small attempts at autonomy will mean a lot to them.

Introduce peer assessment. Do not accept the role of thedisciplinarian . Let your children evaluate each other's performance. For example, they can use checklists to evaluate the quality of their work. In my experience, they will be as strict with each other as you are and will appreciate the independence and autonomy they experience.

Take advantage of deliberate practice. Don't expect your children to be as good at housework as you are. They will not be as fast or as efficient. For example, there is no reason why it should take more than fifteen minutes to tidy their room if they do it every day (pick up the floor, make the bed, put things away, sweep and dust). Make it a competition. Have one of the siblings keep time and check the quality of the work. Achieving a great result in ten minutes will come back to them as a source of personal pride.

Manage the team and the system, not the individual and the exception. Your children will not always follow this new system and you will need to hold them accountable. But don't confront the child one-on-one when they don't do their part. Instead, have a small family meeting to focus on the accountability system. Point out that the system is not working well enough and challenge them to fix it. Maybe they need to find better reminders, maybe they need to improve in holding each other accountable. Don't let them put you back in the role of manager. Let them continue to govern themselves.

I hope these tips are useful. Of course, you may need to adjust these according to the age of your children and your family situation.

Good luck to you,

David.