Finally, I Spoke Openly

Dear Bahar

Most of us, in our personal or professional lives, have avoided critical conversations and openness not just for weeks or months, but sometimes for years, even decades.

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Who Wants to Talk Openly

Dear Who Wants to Speak Up,

I find it brave and inspiring that someone who for years has seen herself as powerless in this regard is finally taking charge. I think when someone like you takes such a big step, she challenges all of us to examine and improve ourselves. I salute you for taking this step on your own.

If, after a long period of silence, you decide to have a critical conversation and speak out, there are two basic principles that you should not violate.

The first principle is that since you have allowed the other person to continue their bad behavior for so long, you owe them some patience in explaining to them your intention to no longer keep silent in the face of situations that are unacceptable to you.

Now, in saying this, let me be clear that I am not suggesting in any way that you should tolerate more of the other person's possible abuse, misuse of your intentions, or the ill effects of their incompetence. I am simply suggesting that during your commitment to reshaping the other person's bad behavior, you take the responsibility to be understanding and patient with them if it takes some time for them to stop their old behavior.

For example, let's say I have a manager who is often dishonest about expectations. To motivate me, he or she raises the possibility of future salary increases, bonuses or opportunities and then doesn't do much to realize them. He always has an excuse when the expectations he has created in me do not materialize, but on the other hand he also makes new promises for the future.

Over the years, I only grumbled in a low voice or gossiped to others about his manipulative ways, but never took the responsibility to demand any other behavior from him or to break off the relationship. And now, as a recent graduate of Critical Conversations training, I have decided to express my concerns in a frank and open way.

What I'm suggesting here is that a critical conversation can go well, but it's a bit silly to give ultimatums to the manager thinking that his or her deeply entrenched behavior can change on the fly.

First of all, my purpose in speaking out should be the following:

a) agree on ground rules - how he will and will not treat me in the future

b) agree how I will respond if these agreements are violated.

"b " is the part where you give him/her some time to adapt to thenewsituation, while at the same time holding him/her accountable for what you agree on. If your goal in having a critical conversation is for him/her to immediately stop the behaviors you don't like and never resort to the old ways again, then you are failing because you are not giving someone else the time you give yourself when you are going through your own change. Imagine that it took you years to get to this point and change. I think it would be fair to give him a few weeks.

The second principle is that sharing the facts about how you feel about him/her, rather than the stories in your head, helps to make it safe. This is the important principle of taking responsibility for the situation. You have to own the fact that this bad situation is not only about him, but also about you. When you start talking, make it clear that this behavior is a cycle involving both parties, not just one, and that you are committed to changing it. Don't just blame him - own your own truth.

For example, "I would like to discuss something that I am ashamed to admit that I have done for many years. It is my fault that I have not talked about it in the past, but now I have decided to do so. For years I have blamed you for this going on and it has been unfair. I'm part of the problem and I don't want to do this anymore. Can I talk to you about it?"

Whether these are perfect words or not, what I am suggesting is that your "story" needs to be a story that stops painting you as the victim, that stops painting him as the villain. You need to take ownership of the situation. This will help you to approach her as a reasonable, rational and respectable person. In addition, you will make the environment safe for him, because you will be approaching him as a normal, fallible, fallible human being, not as an amoral villain. You will approach your manager with great faith and trust that he or she can change, just as you can. This expression of trust is also a tremendous show of respect.

Now after all you have said, you can foresee him going through a defensive process. The first conversation may be confusing, upsetting and provocative for her. If this is the case, instead of aiming to solve the problem in one conversation, aim to open it up over time. For now, leave it at that and ask him/her to think about it. Ask if you can get together again in a few days after you have considered what you have said. This is only fair; you have had years to prepare for this conversation, you should give him some time to adapt to the new reality.

After all, if you are in any way physically or emotionally hurt by someone else's behavior, or if other people are being harmed by it, I am certainly not going to suggest that you should let it go on for one more day. In such cases, you owe it to that person to give them the time that life has given you by allowing patience and change, but of course you also have an obligation to take a firm stand.

Thank you for your inspiring question and I wish you all the best on your journey to change your world and hopefully others' too

Love, Spring

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