Arguing Spouses Are 10 Times Happier, According to Susan

Research on communication in relationships by our partner Vitalsmarts confirms that couples who can discuss effectively are 10 times happier than those who keep difficult issues bottled up or buried.

What are the most difficult issues that couples often avoid or discuss to their detriment? The survey of 976 people found that the three most difficult topics for couples to discuss are sexuality, finances and disturbing habits.

Many couples fall into the myth that when they avoid discussing sensitive issues, it is ultimately a win for the relationship. However, when we don't talk, we end up acting out. Specifically, four out of five people say that poor communication played a role in their last failed relationship, and half of those say that poor communication is a major cause of failed relationships.

What really matters is not how much you discuss, but the way you discuss sensitive issues that will ultimately determine the success of your relationship. The good news is that critical conversations combined with the right skills can strengthen your relationship.

KEY CONCLUSIONS

Argumentative spouses are 10 times happier than quiet ones

4 out of5 people say poor communication played a role in their last failed relationship.

Half say poor communication is a major cause of failed relationships

Less than 1 in5 people think they are to blame when the conversation goes badly.

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY WITH YOUR PARTNER

• Manage your thoughts. First soften your thoughts by asking yourself why a reasonable, rational and decent person would do what your partner is doing.
• According to our research on communication in relationships, couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the rug.
• Acknowledge their points before complaining. Don't start by diving right into the problem. Ensure emotional safety by letting your partner know that you respect and care for them.
• Start with the facts. When you start discussing the issue, don't use accusatory, judgmental or inflammatory language.
• Be hypothetical but honest. Once you have established the facts, tell your partner why you are worried. But share it as an opinion, not as an accusation.
• Invite a dialog. After sharing your concerns, encourage your partner to share theirs, even if they disagree with you. If you are open to hearing your partner's point of view, they will be more open to yours.

ABOUT RESEARCH

The study collected responses from 976 people through an online survey in February 2012. The margin of error is approximately 3%.

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