Dear Critical Skills,
According to the culture of the institution, we hardly have the opportunity to question rules or instructions without appearing to challenge the authority or expertise of the director, or even outright "heretic". This problem is exacerbated by the institution's implicit preference for silence and a culture of subservience rather than an attempt at dialogue. In this environment, it is very difficult to create the safe space necessary for dialogue.Recently, my manager and I were talking about some promises he had repeatedly made but had not fulfilled. He told me that I was wrong to rely on him because he was not authorized to fulfill them and that I should learn to forgive him. Then he advised me to read the teachings of a clergyman on forgiveness. A few more of my coworkers tried to talk to him about accountability issues, both with him and with others, but he always counseled forgiveness. When someone breaks a promise, the answer is always the same. The message for us is that broken promises are a fact of life, so "forgive and forget," but above all "be silent." How can we talk about accountability without making the villain the one who can't forgive?Signature,
Hands Tied
Dear Hand and Arm Tied,
This problem, by its very nature, can trigger strong emotions. In your case, it is further complicated by mixing religious teachings with everyday accountability issues. It depends a bit on what these two mean according to your beliefs. I don't know your definitions, so my comments are limited. But I will try to start from my own definitions, and I hope they will be meaningful for you as well.
Accountability, by contrast, is about the practicalities of working together. In an environment of interdependence, people make promises to each other, trust that promises will be kept, and sit down to talk when things don't go as planned. If you can't talk about disappointments, there is no predictability. You start to live under stress because you are not sure what to expect. Living in a culture of poor accountability is not only infuriating, but it eventually breaks things down. In voluntary organizations that don't go bankrupt, like companies, people become more and more impotent. All institutions, religious or non-religious, must follow the same rules of accountability.
So where does that bring us? If you want to talk about how your manager let you down and he gets away with talking about forgiveness, he is confusing the two issues. By distracting you from the accountability issue, he is redefining the problem as your harsh judgment of him, which in turn affects your mental health and emotions. As a result, you need to forgive him in order to get back to where you started. Not only does this distract you from the fact that he has broken his promise to you, but it also shows that he assumes that he knows what is going on inside you. Maybe you don't need to forgive him because you didn't characterize him as negatively as he thinks you did. And even if you have judged him harshly and unfairly, there remains the issue of accountability, which is a completely different matter.
So what to do? I would at least want to have a conversation to distinguish between forgiveness and accountability. I would put it on the table as one of the issues that needs to be resolved in order to maintain the quality of the organization. Try starting with: "There is an issue that I think is preventing us from continuing to improve. Can I have a word?"
Of course you have to develop steadily, and that requires being able to address and solve problems. Anything that prevents conversations about accountability - no matter where it comes from in the chain of command - stands in the way of progress. Running away from problems, refusing to solve them and asking for forgiveness does just that, derailing a healthy problem-solving process and destroying accountability.
Start with the facts and explain why you see them as a problem. Be careful to use moderate language and avoid blaming your manager before you know the whole story.
"Whenever I talk about a problem, you say I should forgive you. Often this shifts the focus away from the problem and prevents us from solving it. I want to be able to talk until we solve the problems to the satisfaction of both of us."
CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS TRAINING
You can also talk softly about the story you have started to tell yourself (i.e. that this tactic feels manipulative and that you prefer to keep the issues of forgiveness and accountability separate). It is up to you how far you want to take this part of the problem, but my guess is that you will need to say something about it, otherwise your feelings, beliefs and relationships with important figures who share your beliefs may be shaken over time. I remind you again to use moderate language and make the other person feel safe in expressing your conclusions:
"It seems to me that it is easier to talk about the need for forgiveness than to face the problem at hand. Is that really the case, or am I misunderstanding something?" Whatever you do, be careful to separate these two issues, focus on problem-solving rather than forgiveness, and maintain a lively and warm tone when you speak.
Good luck to you,
Kerry Patterson